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Jokes & Humor
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HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barak Obama were walking down a Washington D.C. street when they came upon a homeless person.

The Republican, John McCain, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed. When they came upon another homeless person she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into John McCain's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

When they came upon yet another homeless person Barak told the homeless person to 'have hope...change is coming...' and gave him nothing.

Reverend Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said: 'DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW BAFORE IT'S TOO LATE!'

A car sped past them. The driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'Leave me alone, you Skandihoovian, religious nuts!'

From the curve was heard screeching tires and a big splash... Reverend Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out?'

Polly the parrot didn't look well, and the vet confirmed it. 'I'm sorry,' he told the owner, 'I'm afraid your bird doesn't have long to live.' 'Oh no,' wailed the owner. ' Are you sure'' The vet left the room and returned with a big black Labrador, who sniffed the bird from top to bottom, then shook his head. Next the vet brought in a cat. He too sniffed the parrot and sadly shook his head.

'Your bird is definitely terminal,' said the vet, handing the owner a bill. 'Wait-$500! Just to tell me my bird is dying'' The vet shrugged. 'If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan...

Cheney & GLOBAL WARMING
“Speaking of Vice President Gore, I’m sorry to relate that he’s a little bit sore at me. He’s convinced that on global warming, I just don’t get it. But lately with every passing day the evidence has been catching my attention. I have no doubt, none at all, that we are in the midst of a global warming, or, as I prefer to call it, spring. And I don’t want to sound like an alarmist, but it’s going to get a lot warmer before it gets cooler.” —Dick Cheney

A man and his wife were giving each other the silent treatment. After a week of no talking, the man realized he would need his wife to wake him up for an early morning fishing trip. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, Please wake me up at 5 a.m. The next morning the man arose, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and hed missed the trip. Furious, he was about to go and find his wife when he noticed a piece of paper on his pillow. It read: Its 5 a.m. Wake up!

Texas rancher is vacationing in Australia. He meets a farmer, who shows off his wheat field. Weve got wheat fields twice as big back home, boasts the Texan. They keep walking, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. Oh, we have Longhorns that are twice as big, says the braggart. A little while later, the Texan spots kangaroos hopping across a field. What are those he asks. Says the Aussie, Aintcha got grasshoppers in Texas.

Liagra, the new drug from Hillary Clinton

Stalking into a police station late one night, a man demands to speak to the burglar who broke into his home. Sorry, that's against the rules, says the sergeant. You don't get it, says the man. I need to know how he got in without waking my wife.

Hillary under fire - cartoons

An Amish Farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have pooped in it.')

The kneeling man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak in English.'

The Amish farmer says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'

In a episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, the slowest and weakest ones at the back are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

John died. His will provided $40,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Jane, turned to her oldest and dearest friend. "Well, I'm sure John would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Jane. "Forty thousand."
"No!" Mary exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $40,000?"

Jane answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary computed quickly. "$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Four and a half carats."

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Halloo........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.
I bet he felt like an idiot.

I just recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it’s everywhere I want to be.

Thinking no one is home, a robber breaks into a house, only to find the frightened owners in bed watching TV.
“What’s your name?” he says menacingly to the wife at gunpoint.
“E-E-Elizabeth,” she says.
“This is your lucky day, “ he says. “I can’t shoot anyone named Elizabeth because that was my dear mother’s name.”
He turns to the husband. “What’s your name?”
“My name’s Harry,” says the man. “But everyone calls me Elizabeth.”

A little girl asked her father: "How did the human race appear?"

The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your mother told you about hers."

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old, well, you'll love this.

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago, could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought, this balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes, Yes I did. I'M A MUSTANG!" he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, " In 1978, why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely, then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired, decrepit SOB asked me, "What did you teach?"

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my fist job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

Can I talk to a real person a caller asked.
I am real, I said.
Oh, Im sorry, the caller said. That was rude of me. What I meant to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something.

Uncle Jim was late for work when the red lights flashed behind him. Knowing he was busted, Jim Pulled over and waited with license and registration in hand.

As the trooper wrote out the ticket, he asked Jim where he was headed. Im late for an important 7:30 meeting, Jim said. The officer checked his watch. If you hurry, he remarked, you can still make it.

I usually don't pass along these 'add your name' lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for months and months.

Please do not delete. If you don't want to sign, at least keep it going!

To show your support for Hillary for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entiree-mail list..

1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.

How To Use Your Tax Rebate

As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and everyone of us would now get a nice rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala, if we purchase a car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to buy toilet paper and beer, since those are the only businesses still in the US.

My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesperson. Where the form requested “prior experience,” he wrote “lifeguard.”
That was it. Nothing else.

“We’re looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself,” said the hiring manager. “How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?”
“I couldn’t swim,” my pal replied.
He got the job.

The copier was jammed. But a sign stated “only qualified key operators” could open it. These key operators were tough to track down, leading one frustrated worker to write on the sign: “Jammed if you do, jammed if you don’t.”

Who's your best friend?

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

Parade float in Germany:

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck... get the hell away from me."

Listen up City Slickers!
THE RULES OF RURAL LIVING ARE AS FOLLOWS:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-77 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

8. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

9. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at Jim's bait shop.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, have long hair, know how to shoot and how to drive a truck.

15. College and High School football are as important here as the Cavs and the Knicks, and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. 4 inches isn't a blizzard - it's a flurry. Drive in it like you got some sense, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska; worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades will have you out the next day.

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.'

But man said: 'Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes 80, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"

"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

A teacher in Elmira, New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Hillary fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary fan was, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all of the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different...AGAIN.
Little Johnny says, ' Because I'm not a Hillary fan. '
The teacher says, ' Why aren't you a Hillary fan? '
Johnny says, ' Because I'm a Republican. '
The teacher asks why he is a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, ' Well, my mom's a Republican and my dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican. '

The teacher asks, ' If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you? '

With a big smile, Little Johnny replies, ' That would make me a Hillary fan! '

Irish Catholicism

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan , how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and a voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from Oklahoma. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

Smart Ass Answers

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one
big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips
and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Redneck Information

TIPS FROM THE REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still Considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

*** DINING OUT ***

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your Fingers covering the Label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a Taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

*** WEDDINGS ***

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this Special Occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

On my first day at the gas station, I watched a co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked. “It would go out, “ he answered very matter-of –factly. “Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes are ignited?” “No,” my co-worker replied. “The force from the explosion would blow the match out.”

Foot-In-Mouth Disease
Does your mouth have a mind of its own? The Washington Post thinks so. It invited its readers to submit some unwise things to say in certain situations. Here are the unwisest:

In traffic court: “Your Honor, when I entered the intersection, the light was the color of this $20 bill, if you get my drift.”

In a job interview: “Am I correct you are not allowed by law to ask me if I have a prison record?”

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