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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing'
'What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence...
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Francis, Our prayers have been answered!
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At a high school in West Texas, a group of male students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
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A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve politicians?", he asks the barman.
"Of course", says the barman. "Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator will have a politician."
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Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.) "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off" !!!!!!!
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."
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WASHINGTON, DC - Sources close to the White House have learned that Barack Obama is planning to run for the office of Pope when the College of Cardinals convenes to elect a successor to ailing Benedict XVI at the end of this month.
Calling on the promise of Equality for All, Obama is said to firmly believe that the time has come for a non-Catholic to occupy the Vatican's highest office.
Foreseeing a looming citizenship issue, he states that he has discovered an Italian birth certificate that proves he was born in Rome before he was born in Kenya. "That Hawaiian birth certificate never has been worth what I paid for it anyway," he noted.
Continuing, he concluded, "And there's no way that a handful of cardinals could be more expensive to buy than 10 million voters in Michigan."
Further questions should be directed to Obama's Papal Campaign Manager, Abdul Azeem Khan.
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An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back,were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'.
'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that?'
The little boy nodded 'yes' again.
He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'
The little boy shook his head 'NO'.
'GOOD', said the coach.. 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandfather!'
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Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.
I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
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A guy stopped at a local gas station & after filling his tank, he paid
the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his
cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one
was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the
hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down
the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a
trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going
on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one
of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills
it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the
taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer
and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here
puts the dirt back.
Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy.
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Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."
Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."
The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"
Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
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How to tell when deer hunting season is officially over.
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A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obamas victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.
So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
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No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.
His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer:
"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
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A Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards
California. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small
craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are
invading the United States of America!"
The entire crew of the destroyer double over in laughter. When the Captain
is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and
asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The
rest are already there!"
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John McCain has it right.
He said, "If the debate between Romney and Bammy had been a boxing match;
they'd have stopped the fight".
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A biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her
Inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
US MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
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A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully
equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap,
cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic
display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.
He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long
time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional
box is much more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies,
"Get out . You're on my side.
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IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE OBAMA RE-ELECTION COMMITTEE
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911 CALLS: NO WONDER THE POLICE ARE AFRAID TO COME!!
Believe it or not...
These are Memphis , TN 's
REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is........And My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
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