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Help Defend Your Rights To Hunt, Fish And Own A Gun.
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I am appalled that so many of my fellow Americans are against the mosque near Ground Zero.
We should allow it in order to promote tolerance.
I propose that a gay nightclub be opened next door to the mosque also to promote tolerance.
We could call it "The Turban Cowboy" or "You Mecca Me Hot".
Next door could be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and across the street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret”.
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A friend of mine just started his own business,
making landmines that look like prayer mats.
It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going
through the roof.
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Friends of Irony - Ironic Photos
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I recently applied for a building permit for a new house.
It was going to be 40 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 gun turrets at various
heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound
system.
It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with
pink trim.
The City Council told me to forget it,,,, AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN !!!!
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.
.........Work starts on Monday...
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This is a real obituary, it's no joke. Note last line!
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This is for those over 50: (with apologies to those who are younger)
I thought about the 30 year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and I got a little loud.
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do toot a lot."
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With Chelsea's wedding coming up, Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom.
She asked Chelsea... "Have you had sex with Marc?"
Chelsea replied ... "Not according to Dad."
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The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,"Would you like to go to church
with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet..
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"
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Oil spill as seen from satellite:
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