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Jokes & Humor
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Bubba goes to see the psychiatrist.

"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the psychiatrist.
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the psychiatrist met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now."

It's so hot...

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, 'What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?'

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

A crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this #$%! church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, #$%!. I said I want to join this #$%! church! "

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.

The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

"There is no #$%! problem," the man says "I just won $200 million bucks in the #$%! lottery and I want to join this #$%! church to get rid of some of this #$%! money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this #$%! giving you a hard time?"

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eye. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Women - As Explained by Engineers

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".
Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or f arther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?"

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat." His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons." His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultansaid, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish, I will get it for you." His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."

His father bought him the Democratic Party and the New York Times. Now, doesn't that bring a tear to your eye?

Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Quotes

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

4) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

5) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown Uuniversity

6) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

7) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

8) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)

9) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

10) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
- P.J. O'Rourke

11) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)

12)Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
- Pericles (430 B.C)

13) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)

14) Talk is cheap .. except when Congress does it.
- Unknown

15) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill

16) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

17) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson

They ask why I like retirement....

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth

A man walked into a bar in Kentucky and ordered a drink.

While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political ads came on.

After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ass!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."

"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country!".

Third Grade Geography Test

OK Class, it's time for your U.S. Geography Test!

You must drag and drop all 48 states in the time allotted to be promoted to the 4th grade.

Click here to begin.
Good luck !

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfit. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

A gushy reporter told pro golfer Phil Michelson: "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.

You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

A young man and a priest are golfing. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you"?
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

THESE ARE THE GUYS YOU CALL IN INDIA WHEN YOU HAVE A COMPUTER TECHNICAL PROBLEM.

Guess they know all about your computer but don't know diddly about electrical wiring.

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day?

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 85-year-old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while making love with his 20-year-old mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky in one day. Died of alcohol poisoning; hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought she was having her picture taken.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 48 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Sh*t!"

Only Texas and Louisiana were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"

Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter said, "I don't know Senor, I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!", and went back into the kitchen.

While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to believe that th ere are no Jews in Mexico, our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returned and said "Senor, the head cook said there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again. "I can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter, "All we have is Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews, and Grape Jews!"

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WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE ..
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
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Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything

Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
" Czechoslovakia ."

Never make a woman angry... .there'll be Hell to pay later!

It's all in the way you look at it.....

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jak, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

So, it's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:

Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
And...
Should you use some tongue?

Then you lean in and just go for it! (click here for photo)

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California 's Wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the Firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local County airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!"

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is...you're NOT my flight instructor?"

They've found Popeye's Mom

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was getting ready to go fishing, and asked him, "Grampa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about the joy in human reproduction and the great responsibilities

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS XP TEXAS EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of TEXAS.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The TEXAS EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS XP, with a background picture of Willie Nelson superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"
My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"
Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"
Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"
Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"
Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"
Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN TEXAS EDITION:
Cancel............stopdat
Reset.............try'er agin
Yes...............yep
No................nope
Find..............hunt fer it
Go to.............over yonder
Back..............back yonder
Help..............hep me out here
Stop..............kwitit (WHOA!)
Start.............crank'er up
Settings..........settins
Programs......... stuff at duz stuff
Documents....... .stuff ah done did

Also note that the TEXAS EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS XP:

Tiperiter.....................a word processing program
Colerin' Book.................a graphics program
Cyferin' Mersheen.............calculator
Outhouse Paper................notepad
Inner-net.....................Microsoft explorer 6.0
Pitchers......................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the TEXAS EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!
Billy Bob Gates

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me.

Becoming Illegal
("Actual letter" from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.
Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald R
Burlington, IA

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all talking one day. (It could happen!)
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world. "The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

The Genie

Three guys - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking together one day...they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says that Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want an impenetrable wall around Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and Syria with all believers of Mahammad inside and all Jews, Americans and other infidel forever outside our precious state."

Poooooof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around these countries.

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

The Genie explains, "Well it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds these countries..... it's virtually impenetrable. Now what is your wish?"

The American engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water".
Poooooooooof! World PEACE!

US Military forces have captured the sister of Khalid Sheik Mohammed. Thought to have known about the destruction of the WTC's on 9/11 as well as helping to hide and secure her bother she has finally been found! She is best at spreading lies and deceit - for years she has been known as the "Mother of Propaganda".

Click for picture.

Five men waiting on an apology from a woman.

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now. . . .
No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No baseball
No football
No hockey
No golf
No tailgate parties
No Wal-Mart
No Home Depot
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
No gumbo
No jambalaya
No Beer
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

Bubba had been going to University of Alabama for 11 years and just couldn't graduate. One day, the Dean of Students calls Bubba in to his office and says, "Bubba, we're going to give you the opportunity to graduate. In a month, at half time of the homecoming football game, we are going to bring you out on the field and ask you one question. If you get it right, you get your degree. If you get it wrong, you have to go home without it and not come back."

Bubba agreed to this and ran off to start studying. He studied night and day for a month. Finally the day came. It was a special day with homecoming and Bubba's shindig. The whole stadium was packed with Bama students and alumni, all waiting to see how Bubba would do.

The Dean stepped up and said, "Bubba, are you ready for your question?"
Bubba said he was.
The dean said, "Bubba, what is 3 X 3?"

Bubba thought about it for about ten minutes and then finally stepped up to the microphone and said, "9?"

Before the Dean could respond, thousands of the Alabama students and alumni jumped up and yelled, "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE"

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian,white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this???
Are you sure you are ready??
Well.... here it comes...
Sum Ting Wong !!!

I usually don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in my email, but this one is too important. This one has been circulating for MONTHS.

Please, keep it going!

To show your support for Hillary and encourage her on her run for President of the United States in 2008, please add your name to the rapidly growing list below and send it on to your entire email list.

1. Bill
2. Chelsea
3.

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house. (She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.

I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"

She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."

For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles.

I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe.

"Funny pics"

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

Life's decisions are never simple. The importance of the initial decision should be examined over the long run. Memories made and cherished are sure to be tempered along the way.

Consider the following two choices...

Should I get a dog, or have children?

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Government True-isms:

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man ....which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!
-P.J O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap..except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist only takes the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Chelsea Clinton asked a returning US Soldier about fear. He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of: Osama, Obama, and Yo Mama!!!

Don't you think it's time we all became more physically active? Beginning in May of 2007, I and a few friends will be riding 8 miles every day.

If any of you would like to join our Bike Club, please let me know and we can make arrangements. I think it would be appropriate to ride somewhere between 4:00 and 7:00 pm. We can call it happy hour, if it will make you say yes.

I have attached a photo of my bike.

Have you ever heard that a dog "knows" when an earthquake is about to hit?

Have you ever heard that a dog can "sense" when a tornado is stirring up, even twenty miles away?

Do you remember hearing that, before the December tsunami struck Southeast Asia , dogs started running frantically away from the seashore, at breakneck speed?

I'm a firm believer that animals - and especially dogs - have keen insights into the Truth.

And you can't tell me that dogs can't sense a potentially terrible disaster well in advance.

Simply said, a good ol' hound dog just KNOWS when something isn't right . . when impending doom is upon us . . .

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The following year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

Statistics

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

For those of you who don't live here in Texas with us .. and think we are a bunch of uncivilized ruffians ... not true!

In fact, we even have ladies groups that meet regularly to discuss current events and develop needed home-skills.

Here is a photo taken at a recent "Say NO to Hillary" ladies group meeting.

The pot at the end of the rainbow:

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other children would volunteer.

Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Two 90 year old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball up there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his death bed," Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, " Moe--Moe."

"Who is it?, asks Moe sitting up suddenly.
Who is it?"
"Mo e--it's me, Joe."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good ne w s," Joe says," is that there's baseball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!

So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."

How to start each day with a positive outlook:

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton"
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh? Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy. "It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting fears. Full of mischief, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here coyote. The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

'Stay back, he yelled to all us kids!" He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had woke up and come sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb helpless old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's behind!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin'!"

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what happened.

The coroner tells the inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the inspector.
"Thought she was having her picture taken."

Doggie Cartoons

Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

A Simple Test
Question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand 'morally'. The test features an unlikely, completely-fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling-around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow, the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!

At the same time, you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under forever.

You have two options: You can save the life of Hillary Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women (in her mind, at least).

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

Would you select high-contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black-and-white?

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC:

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?'

The old woman looked up at her and said, �Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

Wives

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one,you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous

The new preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country music singer. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you." So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty and he always told them that he was the new pastor and had come to visit with them.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - which allowed the towel to fall to the floor.

"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"
And the preacher said...........
" Hello, Darlin!! "

Mexico Cancels Olympic Participation

President Vincente Fox of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.

He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

The 3rd man in history to ever walk on water.

The 1st one was Jesus Christ...
The 2nd one was Peter (the apostle)...
Then there was this guy...

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow and dug around. He then withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Liquid-Cooled Computer

FINALLY, after going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other problems... I have fixed my computer... and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

But you have to be careful: The Windows version has some odd "features":

Drinkers in other parts of the world can steal your beer.

Every week you need to put in a new widget to reduce the number of beer thefts.

When a new beer comes out, you have to install new software.

Sometimes the beer will stop coming out, and then turn bright blue.

If you want a second glass, the machine will ask "Are you sure?"

Calmness in our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works. We could all use a little more calmness in our lives.

By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too, can find inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."

So, I looked around my house to see all the things I'd started and hadn't finished. And before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Birthdays

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947 , witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , NM .

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, there were some interesting people born.

They include: Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer and Barbara Boxer.

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

Perplexing Situation

I am writing to you to ask for your help in shedding light on a perplexing situation I find myself contemplating. I have selected you as a group to aid me because you have known me for years, and I value your opinion. Your religious experiences are varied and that is important to the problem I am faced with.

Over the years, we have all observed the seemingly random factors that affect all of our lives, sometimes without apparent rhyme or reason. We have seen some marriages dissolve over nothing and others grow stronger under adverse conditions. We have seen fate play a role in who survives critical illnesses and who succumbs to them. We have all seen good people suffer great misfortunes while some people of low character thrive. In our lifetime, we have seen Churches and Religious institutions all around the world become revised, televised, energized and even scandalized. We are all well aware that a higher power has control of nearly all things.

Personally, I have stood in the doorway of a 7/11 in Atlanta, amid a shootout between the police and a gunman and walked away unscathed. On a golf course, I saw a lightning bolt strike a man dead while those of us nearby where untouched. We all watched as Hurricane Katrina ravaged some areas of the coast and left other nearby homes standing intact. The enormity of these random and seemingly unfair applications of good or bad fortune is at the core of my dilemma.

I have studied sacred writings of all major religions searching for an answer, and now I pose the question to you:

I cannot fathom that the highest power in this universe could take Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind....

Question - When you apply for welfare in Mexico, what does that government give you?
Answer - A map of The United States.

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Fort Pierre, South Dakota.

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chilli. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke,

"If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets almost down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking, and he immediately pukes up the chili, back into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

I am sending this to everyone who sends me email.

One of you sent a virus.

It is a very severe virus.

Look what it did to my mouse.

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught
me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have
wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off
your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother
taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president." The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British journalist.

The journalist asked, "What do these deer think when they see you coming? Here comes the nice guy who puts out our dinner? Or, there's the man that shot my brother?"

Ted replied, "I don't think they're capable of either of those thoughts, you Limey a$$hole. They're only interested in 3 things: The best place to eat, having sex, and how quickly they can run away. Much like the French."

Note: The entire interview is available online.

A guy was sitting quietly, reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you, Mr. American, for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Russia!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, Observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she' d like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day !
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure ! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ? ?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

"Why People Move South"

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowl full of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song 'O Canada' one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some ragtag musicians and played the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning?

Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three a##holes report that I was the aggressor?"

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing, and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man. He tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, then 120 mph.

Finally he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day".

How To Clean Your Toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog

Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a killer Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the boy's legs.

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal.

"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again, "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"

"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox, John Kerry, or Ted Kennedy . What team or person do you like?''.

"I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Republican Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second ti me attempted the step Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled,"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends.

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