Outdoors Unlimited ISP

Outdoors Unlimited - The only ISP that helps defend your rights to hunt, fish, and own a gun

Jokes & Humor
Send your jokes & humor!

A mechanic accidentally swallowed some brake fluid and really liked the taste. Before he knew it, he'd polished off a whole bottle of the stuff. His buddy George caught him sneaking a swig the next day.

That stuff is dangerous, George said. You gotta give it up.
Don't worry, the mechanic said. I can stop anytime I want.

Excuse me, what are those women dressed in white doing? a tourist asked his guide.
Oh, well it's custom for brides in Jerusalem to pray at the Wailing Wall on the day of their wedding, he replied.
Why?
So they can get used to talking to a wall.

Following months of trials, finally a scientist successfully cloned his own genes. He was so thrilled , he was beside himself.

Jake is struggling with two huge suitcases when a stranger asks, Got the time? Jake glances at his wrist. A quarter to six. Nice watch, the stranger says. Thanks, Jake says. I built it. It can speak the time aloud for any city, in any language. Plus, its got GPS and an MP3 player. Wow! the man says. How much? This is my prototype. Its not for sale. Ill give you $1,000. Cant, Jake says. Its not ready. $5,000! Well, okay, but…. The man slaps a wad of cash into Jakes hand, grabs the watch and starts to walk away. Wait, Jake yells, running toward him with the suitcases. Dont forget your batteries.

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for New Orleans. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jack asked. "I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

This may be just another Internet hoax, but it looks real. It's actually a lot bigger than another wild pig that was shot By a 15-year old kid down in Georgia a few months ago. One way or the other, this is one big, ugly hog.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

More Hillary Pictures

I figured out how to cure the high divorce rate in this country. Have cell phone companies write the marriage contracts - you'll never get out of them.

Did you hear about the mermaid and the fisherman?
They met on line.

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long

it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken
casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And
then you dump the stock.

New Sex Study...

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for married

couples is a doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife

rolls over and plays dead.

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing
the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of
him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start
by buying me a drink."

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is

feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor

used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds
since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my
husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say" the priest inquired..
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship!"

"Thank you," the woman responded,
"This may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, &the bear was even closer. He tripped &fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw &raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

This blonde is on a long-distance flight, and finds herself sitting next to a lawyer, who's very talkative. But the blonde just wants to sleep.

Eventually, to get her interest, the lawyer says: "I'll tell you what, let's play a game. You ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $500. Then I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer, you give me $5. Deal?"

The blonde sighs, and says OK. "Ask me a question," says the lawyer.

"OK," says the blonde. "What goes up the mountain in the morning with three legs, and comes down the mountain in the evening with four legs?"

The lawyer's never heard this one. He's heard similar ones, but not this one. He gets his laptop, logs on, searches online for hours, no joy. He telephones all his colleagues via the jet's telephone, no joy. He spends the whole night trying to find an answer. Eventually, he gives up, and over breakfast, hands the blonde $500 dollars, and says -- "I give up. What goes up the mountain in the morning with three legs, and comes down the mountain in the evening with four legs?"

The blonde sighs, reaches in her bag, and gives the lawyer $5. Then she goes back to sleep.

I was feeling depressed last week, so I called the mental health help line. Like all other call centers, it has been out- sourced to a third world location.

When I told the operator in Pakistan that I was feeling suicidal, he got very excited and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a plane.

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spray.

The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of now US Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation. The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the 'Hillary' postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:

*The stamp was manufactured properly.
*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People were just spitting on the wrong side.

Bumper sticker spotted on a pick up truck on loop 610 in Houston, Texas, on Oct 30, 2007:

"I WISH HILLARY HAD MARRIED OJ"

The Collard Greens

An old black man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,
I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son

Dear Daddy Jankins,
Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Junebugg Jankins III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Junebugg III.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

The Mid-Week Blues...

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

It's so dry in Tennessee that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling;
the Methodists are using wet-wipes;
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks;
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
NOW THAT'S DRY! ! !

A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud.

FBI suspects a terrorist may be hiding among the Amish community.

The Power of makeup

Maxine's back with some Fall Season thoughts.

Halloween is right around the corner...

I was at the mall the other day eating in the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenage boy sitting next to him on the bench. The boy had spiked hair, in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, etc.

The old man could not take his eyes off the teenager. When the boy had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's your problem, old man? Ya' never done nothing wild in your life?"

The old man didn't bat an eye when he said, "Got real drunk once in Mexico and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my kid".
The boy left without looking back.

A man and a woman are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold, Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

One day I saw a wonderful old gal sitting on her front step. Her face was wrinkled like a prune, she was so stooped she was almost folded in half, and her gnarled fingers could hardly grasp the glass of iced tea she was holding. But she had such a wide, toothless grin on her face that she positively spread cheer.

So I walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke ten stogies a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. All my life I've eaten only junk food and I put away at least a fifth of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends I pop pills, and never do any exercise at all."

Absolutely, absolutely amazing, I thought, and I just couldn't help but to ask her, "Wow! How old are you, anyway?"

She didn't hesitate at all. "Twenty-four," she replied.

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

Unspoken Laws

Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, Your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the Stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, The very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start To move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss Will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, By the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

This is a "Hill-Billy":

Rudy's push to save America:

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi insurgent, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.

We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scumbag who got what he deserved, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, good-for-nothing, far left wing liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.

Then I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian ! He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!" "And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when the truck hit us."

Last January the New Orleans Times Picayune reported that a Cajun amateur archeologist having dug to a depth of 10-meters found pieces of copper wire dating back 100 years....and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100-years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texan scientists dug to a depth of 20-meters. Shortly after, headlines in the Dallas Morning News read: "Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns."

One week later, The Daily Oklahoman reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30-meters in wheat fields near Watonga, Bubba Williams, a self taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300-years ago Okies were already using wireless.

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Hillary and The Cowboy
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, on an airliner bound for Texas, finds herself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt,faded jeans, and a cowboy hat. Thinking herself above the old cowboy,she decides to make sport of him.

"You know," she says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at her wryly and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right, ma'am. What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says Hillary with a slight hint of sarcasm. "How about Iraq?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing an attempt to perhaps belittle him, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first: Horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, Senator Clinton replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me, then," says the cowboy with a smile. "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss Iraq when you don't know s..t?"

The Man Rules
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Actual call center conversations!
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business. "
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
-----------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"
---------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."
--------------------------------------------- ------ -------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number
on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Custo mer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until

this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote
'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your
screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from
there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized
that

I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my
file
back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think
this
guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the
WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring
the
customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was
fired;
however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for
"Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with
WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden

the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I
type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out??"
Caller: " How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like
a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if
it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that

there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again

and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No"
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right
angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only
light

I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've
got
it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff
that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you
bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I
tell
them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a
computer!!!"

Little Ball
In my hand I hold a ball... white and dimpled, rather small.... Oh , how bland it does appear.... this harmless looking little sphere.... By its size I could not guess.... the awesome strength it does possess.... But since I fell beneath its spell.... I've wandered through the fires of hell.... My life has not been quite the same.... Since I chose to play this stupid game.... It rules my mind for hours on end... ! ; A fortune it has made me spend.... It has made me swear and yell and cry.... I hate myself and want to die.. .. It promises a thing called par.... If I can hit straight and far.... To master such a tiny ball.... should not be very hard at all ... But my desires the ball refuses.... and does exactly like it chooses.... It hooks and slices, dribbles and dies.... and even disappears before my eyes.... Often it will take a whim.... to hit a tree or take a swim... With miles of grass on which to land.... it finds a tiny patch of sand.... Then has me offering up my soul.... if only it would find the hole.... It's made me whimper like a pup.... and swear that I will give it up.... And take a drink to ease my sorrow.... but the ball knows..... I'll be back tomorrow!!!!

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 30 pounds!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded ... 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day.'
From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from all dat damn skippin' the Irishman said.

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.

"He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Rules of Kansas
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, & I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah....We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in Kansas...and real chili never met a tomato!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. College and high school basketball is important here and fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Kansas State University, University of Kansas, Wichita State University, or Fort Hays State University. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, so "Don't Mess with Kansas". If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Pete and KC. As they start their descent Cooter slips, Falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife." KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it. "Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'." She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow." Then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are. "

Getting Old

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. " "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs . She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear." she groans to her husband. The husband dials 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green, stares at him and says, "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly. "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well how long will it take for him to get here?" his wife asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband, practicing his putting stroke.
"Everybody's already agreed to let him play through!"

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would take up a collection.”

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. A local church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning bolt hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"

Many smiles begin because of another smile...

More Jokes »