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Jokes & Humor
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Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking, and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor, after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment,then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his surgery scheduled, for a month from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house .

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING ... DON'T YOU ???

2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule of Events
7:00 pm ~ Opening flag burning
7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N.
7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm ~ Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm ~ How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry
9.00 pm ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ~ 'Answering Machine Etiquette' ? Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn
11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean
12:15 am ~ 'Truth in Broadcasting Award' - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am ~ Hillary Rodham Clinton announces Bill Clinton as her running mate for VP
1:40 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

An old Texan went to the local church and asked to join. The preacher said, 'OK, but you have to pass a small Bible test first.'
The first Question is 'Where was Jesus born?' The man answered,' Longview .'
The preacher said. 'Sorry...you can't join our church.'

Soooooo....he went to another church and asked to join. The preacher said, 'We would love to have you, but you have to pass a Bible test first. Where was Jesus born?' The man said. 'Tyler .' The preacher said, 'Sorry...you can't join our church.'

Soooo....he goes to another church and asks, to join.
The preacher said, 'That's great; we welcome you with open arms.'
The man said, 'I don't have to pass no Bible test first?' The preacher said, 'No.'
The man said, 'Can I ask you a question?'
The preacher said, 'Sure.'
The man said, 'Where was Jesus born?'
The preacher said, ' Palestine .'
The man mumbled to himself, 'I knew it was in East Texas somewhere.'

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and th e Cartoon Network!"

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to bu y Mom."

A man is stumbling through the woods drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

TOP 12 COUNTRY SONGS...

12. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine
11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass All Day
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
7. I Wouldn't Take Her to a Dog Fight 'Cuz I'm Afraid She'd Win
6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
3. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him
2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with a Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

Do you know what happened back in 1850?

1. California became a state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today, except the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands!

Wal-Mart announced that sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item --- Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.

The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville." But the right name is important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart wine brand.

The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Spam & Carp) or red meat (Squirrel & Possum)!

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs, then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, 'Son, you've just witnessed a miracle. Tell me, where is this man?

'Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water.'

You may be a taliban if..........

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've never uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

A Republican cowboy attends a social function where Hillary Clinton is attending and trying gather more support for her nomination.

Once she discovers the cowboy is a Republican, she starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words. As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.

The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

She stopped talking and said, "Well yes, if that's what they're called. But I've never heard of circle flies."

Well ma'am," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

Oh," Hillary replies as she goes back to rambling. But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

No, ma'am," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for citizens of New York to call their Senator a horse's ass."

That's a good thing," she responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Catholic Gasoline?
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Are you a Democrat, A Republican, or A Redneck??????

Here is a little test that will help you decide...

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife,
and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Democrat's Answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into
it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my
family get away while he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day
and make this a happier,
healthier street that would discourage such
behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and
try to come to a
consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?'

Son: 'You got him,Dad! Can I shoot the next
one?????Huh.....CAN I????'

Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to the taxidermist.'

Chuckles for mature couples and others .....

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
--------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
--------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
--------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage
and
after marriage.
--------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.?
"I've been divorced three times."
--------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with
for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
--------------------------------
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
--------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign,
the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned
the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
--------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife
were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.
--------------------------------
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected
~ they would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.
--------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father
and placed something in his hand.

The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his CREDIT CARD.
--------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea.
--------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket,
and friends and congregation members
are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
--------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get
close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord...
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks,
"And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."
--------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says,
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
--------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said,
"I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and
I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks,
"How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"

The man said, "YES" and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."

What Dads do with action figures

At a high school in Montana a group of high school kids played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for Number 3 goat.

I don't know whether or not you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan, but if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off.

President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said...

"I see the Clintons are finally sleeping together."

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A preacher cured me for a $10 donation. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a preacher cure you?
Did he lay his hands on you?"
"Nope, he told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!"

The Wisdom Of Our Times???

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

<> You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

<> We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point-and-click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

when blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES: USE BIRTH CONTROL

<> money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

<> Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. ......Kermit the Frog

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

<> One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.

<> > Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

<> GUN CONTROL: using both hands

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

A note on the soda machine in our break room warned �Diet cola isn�t working.� Beneath that, someone else had written �Try exercise and a low carb diet.�

Walking downtown, I passed an elderly couple holding hands. Utterly charmed, I commented on how delightful it was to see them being so tender at their age. �I�ve been holding her hand when we go out for over 30 years,� the man told me. � I have to. If I let go, she shops.�

I saw a billboard that said, "Need help, call Jesus." 1-800-555-3787
I did and a Mexican showed up with a tow truck.

Three Stages of a Man's life

Even though a patient owed our medical office $95.00, when I contacted him, I was told in no uncertain terms that he didn't appreciate our calls or the bills stamped Past due. I want to be removed from the mailing list, he insisted. No problem, I assured him. Just one thing: There is a $95.00 processing fee.

Granted, my first-grade class has a tendency to act up. So I wasn?t surprised when, after watching the kids yelling and running around the classroom, one visiting grandmother remarked, You have a lot of patience. Actually, I said over the din, I prefer to call them students.

Tech support: �Click on the My Computer icon to the left of the screen.�
Customer: �Do you mean your left or mine?�

Tech Support: �What does the screen say now?�
Customer: �It says �Hit Enter when ready�.�
Tech Support: �Well?�
Customer: �How do I know when it�s ready?�

Tech Support: �Can I please get your name and position with the company?�
Customer: �This is Ryan, and I am sitting down.�

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on the bottom 50 and toss the rest. Throw away 250 resumes? I asked, shocked. What if the best candidates are in there? You have a point, he said. But the again, I don't need people with back luck around here.

For the umpteenth time in one shift, my co-worker at the grocery store somehow managed to offend a customer. Do you ever think about the things you say before you say them? I asked. No, he admitted. I like to hear them for the first time along with everybody else.

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand. If the main parachute malfunctions, he asked, how long do we have to deploy the reserve? Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, The rest of your life.

Few people know what a quartermaster does. So, during my aircraft carrier's Family Day, I demonstrated a procedure called semaphore----- I grabbed my flags and signaled an imaginary boat. When finished, I pointed to a little girl in front and asked, Now do you know what I do? Yes, she said. You're a cheerleader.

Military Prepares For Democratic Takeover

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