THE ULTIMATE ADVENTURE CRUISE
To The Point is excited to offer the ultimate adventure cruise along the pirate-infested coast of Somalia!
It was once said that a black man would be president when pigs flew.
Well behold, 100 days into his presidency....
Swine Flu!
Top 10 list of caddy responses..
# 10.
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
# 9.
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8.
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7.
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6.
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5.
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It 's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4.
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3.
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2.
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
......and the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE
CENTURY:
This took place in Charlotte North Carol ina . A lawyer purchased a box
of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among
other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile
of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of
small fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The
lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless,that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the
cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them
against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable
'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy
and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and
paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in
the 'fires.'
NOW FOR THE BEST PART ...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was
convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was
sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
Contest..
ONLY IN AMERICA - NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS.
When you are having a bad day and think that you are having problems,
JUST REMEMBER:
SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.
These hilarious exchanges are from a book called
'Disorder in the
American Courts'.
They were recorded verbatim and published by Court
Reporters that had
the torment of staying calm and remaining
professional while these
Exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________
___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:
By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much
of a fight.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still
been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and
practicing law.
Yesterday's Democrats:
"One man with courage makes a majority.
" - Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." - Franklin D.
Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." - Harry S.
Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." - John F.
Kennedy
Today's Democrats:
"It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?" - Bill Clinton
"That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off.
" - Jesse Jackson
"Those rumors are false ...... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.
" - John Edwards
"I invented the Internet" - Al Gore
"The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS.
" - Joe Biden
" America is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh what it was once was...uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.
' " - Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states.
" - Barack Obama
"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.
" - Nancy Pelosi (said back in 2006)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." - Sen.
Harry Reid
"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.
" - Hillary Clinton (said back in 1998)
HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR GREAT COUNTRY?!
My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our
favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone
else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is
my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my
teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals
very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him
what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it
again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live
animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like
she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you
could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and
told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my
teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire
most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico. Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones. God bless America!!!!
Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass
compound bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our
place sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you
know that a 1955 40 horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes
down? Tough sumbich.
That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazzard fan
that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up Tshirt doused in
chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the
place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really
wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way - a set of post hole diggers
and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.
Anyway, one summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows
into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I look over under the
carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light
bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought it
would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner . .. . lets face it .
. . to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound"
flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of pyrodex
(black powder for muzzle loader rifles) to add to the excitement.
At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened
up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit
around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie...1lb
pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you
know? You know what? Screw that. I'm going back in the house for the
other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too. Now we're
cookin'.
I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2stroke arrow. I drew
the nock to my cheek and took aim. As I released I heard a clunk as the
arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my
dad getting out of the truck... OH SHIT! He just got home from work. So
help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can.
My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I
turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the
starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of
pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Shit.
When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't
know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex
jerk back from 235 fucking decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond
glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you
there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as
I could see. It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full
of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned
purple. Let me repeat this...THE DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE! There was a big
sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was".
That mother got up and ran off.
So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes
with my Thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the
carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback – ECHO BRAVO
CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!
His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows
on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling
mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3
wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped
down and are now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't
know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my
own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really
matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a
sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke
later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I
remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some
more. Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again.. Thanks mom.
One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump
again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did
anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still
have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the
beating. Or both..
I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into
archery.. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later
on in life. Something they won’t learn in school.
After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said: 'Let me see if I've got this right.
'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of
abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in
them a love for learning.
'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.
'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job.
'You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.
'You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.
'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board,
a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
'You want me to do all this and then you tell me. . . I CAN'T PRAY?
Redneck word of the day : "OBAMA"
I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!
Dear President Obama,
Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know the one's down the street who in the good times purchased their house for no money down,
refinanced it several times, then bought SUV's, ATV's, RV's, a pool, a big screen plasma TV, two Wave Runners, a boat, and a Harley. I was wondering, since
I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?
Signed:
"Concerned in USA"
P. S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?
P. P. S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?
An attractive woman from Ireland arrived at
the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet
twenty-thousand bucks on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude...
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on,
baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally,
one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you
were watching.
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.
There was a Pied Piper who said,
“We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!”
*And the people said, “Change is good!”
Then he said, “We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,”…*And the people said “Sock it to them!”
“and redistribute their wealth.”
*And the people said, “Show me the money!”
And then he said, “Redistribution of wealth is good for everybody”
*And Joe the plumber said, are you kidding me?”
And Joe’s personal records were hacked and publicized.
*And one lone reporter asked, “Isn’t that Marxist policy?”
And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then someone asked, “With no foreign relations experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?”
And the Pied Piper said, “Simple. I’ll sit down and talk with them and show them how nice we really are and they’ll forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!”
Then the Pied Piper said, “I’ll give 95% of you lower taxes.”
*And one, lone voice said, “But 40% of us don’t pay ANY taxes.”
So the Pied Piper said, “Then I’ll give you some of the taxes the fat-cats pay!”
*And the people said, “Show me the money!”
Then the Pied Piper said, “I’ll tax your Capital Gains when you sell your homes!”
*And the people yawned and the slumping housing market collapsed.
And he said, “I’ll mandate employer- funded health care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage.”
*And the people said, “Gim’me some of that!”
Then he said, “I’ll penalize employers who ship jobs overseas.”
*And the people said, “Where’s my rebate check?”
Then the Pied Piper actually said, “I’ll bankrupt the coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!”
*And the people said, “Coal is dirty, coal is evil, no more coal! But we don’t care for that part about higher electric rates.”
So the Pied Piper said, “Not to worry. If your rebate isn’t enough to cover your expenses, we’ll bail you out. Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!” Then he said, “Illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted. Let’s grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education, free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and guaranteed housing.”
*And the people said, “Ole`! Bravo!” And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of business and the economy slowed even further. Then the Pied Piper said, “I am the Messiah and I’m here to save you! We’ll just print more money so everyone will have enough!” But our foreign trading partners said, “Wait a minute. Your dollar isn’t worth what it was. You’ll have to pay more.”
*And the people said, “Wait a minute. That’s not fair!”
And the world said, “Neither are these other, idiotic programs you’ve embraced. You’ve become a Socialist state and a second-rate power. Now you’ll play by our rules!”
*And the people said, “What have we done?”
But it was too late.
If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes and ears. It’s happening RIGHT NOW!
Did you know the president’s name is really an acronym…
One Big Astounding Mistake America
A pitbull was in his backyard in southern California , minding his own business.....until a porcupine invaded his territory.
The brave, but stupid pitbull immediately challenged the porcupine!
Bad decision...the porcupine won this short contest.
This financial crisis is forcing companies to make tough decisions, there is a risk that we might need to lay off Andre....
I recently asked my friend ' s little girl what she
wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be
President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were
standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would
be the first thing you would do?
' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed.
'Wow... What a worthy goal. 'I told her'. But you don't have to wait
until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow
the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll
take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out
and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the
work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
I said, ' Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
SHORT CUTS
"Today it's even less clear what, if anything, Obama believes -- and, even
more critically, whether he has the wit or authority to impose those
beliefs
on a Congress whose operating procedure for the new era seems to be
business
as usual with three extra zeroes on the end." --columnist Mark Steyn
"Never have so few spent so much so quickly to do so little." --Oklahoma
Republican Rep. Tom Cole
"Only in Washington can adding $20 billion to an $817 billion House bill
earn
you praise as a deficit hawk." --The Wall Street Journal
"If the stimulus plan were a Thanksgiving dinner entree, it would be a
Turbaconducken -- the heart attack-inducing dish of roasted chicken
stuffed
inside a duck stuffed inside a turkey, all wrapped in endless slabs of
bacon." --columnist Michelle Malkin
"Hearing [Treasury Secretary Tim] Geithner and looking at the reaction of
the
financial markets brings a whole new meaning to the term weapons of mass
destruction." --The Heritage Foundation's James Carafano
A school teacher injured his back during the summer and had to
wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under
his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the fall school term, still with the cast under his
shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest group of students
in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he
opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself
with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took
the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth.
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal.
You get fourteen eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and
says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my
office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me
with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The
student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's
house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his
backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the
student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor
said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as
much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end,
and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student
was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more
times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool. The
confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make
the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but
figured that he would find out the real story soon enough. However,
after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the
student began to become worried that his economics professor had
gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting
valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when
this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it
was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the
destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile,
"Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."
Dear IRS,
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax, cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax, gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax, inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax, state franchise tax, state unemployment tax, telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local tax, telephone universal connectivity tax (so medicaid folks can have a cell phone) utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil and gas assessment tax, Colorado property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico
sales tax, and many more that I cant recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Dear American liberals, leftists, social
progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama
supporters, et al:
We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the
whole of this latest election process has made me
realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated
each other for many years for the sake of future
generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its
course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot
and will not ever agree on what is right so let's
just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk
it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
Here is a model separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by
landmass each taking a portion. That will be the
difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come
to a friendly agreement.. After that, it should be
relatively easy! Our respective representatives can
effortlessly divide other assets since both sides
have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep
them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the
ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our
firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military. You can
keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell (You
are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel
vehicle big enough to move all three of them).
We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations,
pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street.
You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies
and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey
moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the
Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll
retain the right to invade and hammer places that
threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war
protesters. When our allies or our way of life are
under assault, we'll help provide them security.
We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are
welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley
McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no
longer be paying the bill.
We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized
luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon
you can find.
You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any
practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe
healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep
The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National
Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute
Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba
Ya or We Are the World.
We'll practice trickle down economics and you can
give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it
often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our
name and our flag.
Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along
to other like minded liberal and conservative
patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In
the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR
which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.
